I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't put those talents on a resume
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
