I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
