Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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