theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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