i just wanna soil my oats bro
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
