Pappa wants mamma naked
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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