the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
