it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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