I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
