Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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