He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
