I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
