my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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