He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
