So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
