I'm so fucking centered right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
