were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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