I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You're like the curious george of whores
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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