I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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