so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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