Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
there is puke in my bra ... again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize