My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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