i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
