Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
