Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
