my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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