I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
