How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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