The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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