she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
