Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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