So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
