im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
