I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
