i think my tv is drunk
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
soo... how was my night?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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