he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
