I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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