You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
