If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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