I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
