overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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