Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
They have beer where we have blood.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
