Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
