The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize