How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
