I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
