There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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