I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
