dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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