am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
