how can u be prego again
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
