I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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