also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
