Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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