hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
