They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
