woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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