just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
