This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
