this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
