so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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