So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
